Confessions.

*i was going to completely redo this entry, but that isnt being true to what i feel or what i wanted my blog to be; even if makes me look weak or a simp. thought I've let that shit go a long time ago..

"Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't,
this fcking black cloud Still follows,
me around but it's time to exorcise these demons"

Sometimes you just meet someone and they leave a lasting impact on you, and it's hard to shake them even if it was just a season.

if you ever read this i just hope you realize that what i did..i thought it was the right thing to do at the time..and it might not have...The best intentions of great men can often lead them to make great mistakes. i was just trying to understand it for myself at the time and this might be the closest conclusion i can come up with... that relationship is what you were used to for what 5 years now, it's comfortable and "safe" for you. You didnt have to step outside your comfort zone, you didnt have to deal with feelings of not being good enough or worry about "fucking things up" with me. maybe i shoulda left it alone and let it be once you decided to break it off. but just conflicts of messages, that you were confused on what you wanted..how at first you liked who you were when you was with me but then later said that wasnt being true to yourself...despite the mixed messages i really care about you and your well being. you're too good to sink low and deserve better, but if that makes you happy.. i have to find my own happiness without you....and it sucks.

when you told me we didnt connect..i thought it was such a cop out because you told me you didnt let him go when we got together. you didnt ever really moved on and i think..you started comparing me to him and realized that you lost some of your privacy is because you were a private person because of him. you didnt want anyone to know...but with me you showed the world..and it was new for me and i liked it. also..(i know this is contradicting)  i realized that the past relationships you had i couldnt compare. i dont think i could have provided what they did for you and maybe thats why ours didnt last that long as well.

when suddenly communication stopped i was left to wonder wtf happened, and left me wonder if the situation could be changed. i felt this so strongly about you..that you were suppose to be my everything ( my better half, my best friend, my soulmate) I haven't been the same since. even my own mother said that you brought out the best in me and i took that to heart.and this what sucks about it emotionally.  The hardest part is forgiving myself, getting like this over a female. Love is powerful, it makes you do shit you swore you'd never do, and experience feelings you never knew you had.

for the most part im searching my inner peace. to not have this emotional baggage anymore. there are times where i think about you because something i read online like 'dont give up' or i see something that reminds me of you and want to call/see you to find out how you are doing but thats no progress of my own. i do miss that smile of yours tho, and gave me such pride that for a moment...i made you smile. your smile was my weakness...but i have to stop looking at the closed door hoping it will reopen again when other doors are open. besides..i pretty much got my answer and realization when i tried one last time when i sent the roses at your workplace couple weeks ago.

ive been through this stage before...how i handled it before was a lot worst compared to now. some people turn to drugs/alcohol after breakups, they feel empty and are looking for something to make them whole. luckily i learned that lesson that it doesnt help. just masks the pain/void. so im glad that im doing other things more productive and self improvement. tho been slacking recently.

eventually all of this feelings/experiences will make me a better person overall. just another lesson in life that im learning. i just gotta keep my head up. One day i might even run into another female that will change all that negativity i got going on in my heart.

but despite it all the negativity that came after it, thank you for being part of my life. even if it was only for a chapter. the amount of joy/happiness/love/experiences we shared i wont forget. because of you, and the events that happened leading up to it...i got a better paying job. the pain slowly fades. but the love is forever. i shall take the pain of loss and use it for my advantage. 

lyrics from the pic above:

Nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save