2013 review [pt 1]

Well it's been a long while since I last wrote an entry.

so much has happened...but that is what you learn about life...time doesnt stop for anyone.

Well it's the end of 2013 and I wanted to write about what has happen. At the end of 2012 I got my very first brand new car. Other than that just worked my ass off, still learning at the job.

Beginning of  '13 just focused on work and not really do much but an occasional trip to Austin or something like that. it wasnt until anime matsuri where things started to pick up for me in late march early april. went to my first anime convention and had a blast looking, taking pics of different cosplays and took my little sister to her first. had a great time there and was able to meet new people.

I got invited to a bday party which was at a strip club. wasnt going to go at first due to my commitment to the army and had to work drill that weekend. but something just told me i should go because i usually always missed out on events that happened on drill weekend...and theres a saying that goes...you remember the times you go went out, not the hours of sleep you got that weekend....so i went on april 13th....

to re-enlist?

To re-enlist?

Rough draft entry - March

Lately just being focusing on myself and having fun. Been buying items (shirts, shoes soon, couple of colored tatts i've been eyeing on) for myself, going to social events that people invite me to. Feeling good being by myself again. anyways been debating...is should i re-enlist? I will be completely out of the military when my contract expires next year. I could stay in the reserves or join active duty. If I stay in the reserves I'll usually have to stay houston unless i find another unit in a different city if i want to move. but its not a sure thing that they would even have a slot open for me to move units. I have no regrets joining, meet some good peoples there and taught me a lot about survival, first aid, and shooting to name a few. If i go active, i can choose 3 destinations that i would like to go but not a guarantee i will be sent there. they will just stick you where you are needed the most. i kinda cringe on that idea not knowing where to be placed at. I think i'm at a point where i want to travel to different cities. the only thing that's holding me back is obviously an apt contract, and my sofa and bed. otherwise i could pack everything i needed and head out where ever i felt like it. of course job security is a concern. honestly, i would like to own a house and call it my own and have a wife and kids. but in this current economy its just not possible to say that you will live in that house for 5+yrs while working for the same company. could be laid off anytime and you're stuck with a house and cant move should you find a better job at the other side of the city or even in a different city all together.

Continue with sometimes a logistical nightmare?


update to this rough draft, decided not to re-enlist due to the government being 'broke' cutting pension and benefits. 
just not worth it in my view anymore. to those who continue serving i salute you.

Believe in yourself . Don't fear failure

You've gotta move on! Stop fighting to change things that are in the past! No matter what you do, you can't bring them back!

stay honest with yourself. you will get to the point where you see the next level of thought that you avoided so far, leading towards a solution. 

the kinder you are, the bigger the toll it takes on you. We have to fight with
ourselves, in our hearts, and we have to do it harshly in order to come to the right
conclusions.

i think im finally finding my inner peace emotionally. i took a cold hard look at how it is and stop looking at the close door. its sealed. no longer do i want to wait and hope it will open up again. maybe i was avoiding it for a while, then accepted it but the feelings about it stayed even longer period of time than i thought it would. i still wasn't able to let it go or i thought i did but still had this big lump on my throat that was suffocating me..putting weight on my soul. i wanted to let it out but couldn't. got tired of feeling that way. even though i did what i could to mask it, fake it till you make it or just accepting it outright it still lingered. i think i was just still dwelling on the past and not reflecting it; but finally...i think i can finally move past it.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

~ Mark Twain

A new opportunity open up for me few days ago job wise. i really was debating at first if i should take it, but why should i just settle at the current place? new opportunities, new challenges, it's exciting! success is always the best. but i wouldn't want to call it "success is the best revenge" because you are still lingering that past. success for yourself and not thinking about the other person. 

Update:
just got the offer!!!! im so happy/filled with joy!! its going to be long odd hours and real work but damn its going to be worth it when i see my paycheck!! it really is funny how you thought you had it planned out..didnt work out...something else better comes along...again.

Confessions.

*i was going to completely redo this entry, but that isnt being true to what i feel or what i wanted my blog to be; even if makes me look weak or a simp. thought I've let that shit go a long time ago..

"Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't,
this fcking black cloud Still follows,
me around but it's time to exorcise these demons"

Sometimes you just meet someone and they leave a lasting impact on you, and it's hard to shake them even if it was just a season.

if you ever read this i just hope you realize that what i did..i thought it was the right thing to do at the time..and it might not have...The best intentions of great men can often lead them to make great mistakes. i was just trying to understand it for myself at the time and this might be the closest conclusion i can come up with... that relationship is what you were used to for what 5 years now, it's comfortable and "safe" for you. You didnt have to step outside your comfort zone, you didnt have to deal with feelings of not being good enough or worry about "fucking things up" with me. maybe i shoulda left it alone and let it be once you decided to break it off. but just conflicts of messages, that you were confused on what you wanted..how at first you liked who you were when you was with me but then later said that wasnt being true to yourself...despite the mixed messages i really care about you and your well being. you're too good to sink low and deserve better, but if that makes you happy.. i have to find my own happiness without you....and it sucks.

when you told me we didnt connect..i thought it was such a cop out because you told me you didnt let him go when we got together. you didnt ever really moved on and i think..you started comparing me to him and realized that you lost some of your privacy is because you were a private person because of him. you didnt want anyone to know...but with me you showed the world..and it was new for me and i liked it. also..(i know this is contradicting)  i realized that the past relationships you had i couldnt compare. i dont think i could have provided what they did for you and maybe thats why ours didnt last that long as well.

when suddenly communication stopped i was left to wonder wtf happened, and left me wonder if the situation could be changed. i felt this so strongly about you..that you were suppose to be my everything ( my better half, my best friend, my soulmate) I haven't been the same since. even my own mother said that you brought out the best in me and i took that to heart.and this what sucks about it emotionally.  The hardest part is forgiving myself, getting like this over a female. Love is powerful, it makes you do shit you swore you'd never do, and experience feelings you never knew you had.

for the most part im searching my inner peace. to not have this emotional baggage anymore. there are times where i think about you because something i read online like 'dont give up' or i see something that reminds me of you and want to call/see you to find out how you are doing but thats no progress of my own. i do miss that smile of yours tho, and gave me such pride that for a moment...i made you smile. your smile was my weakness...but i have to stop looking at the closed door hoping it will reopen again when other doors are open. besides..i pretty much got my answer and realization when i tried one last time when i sent the roses at your workplace couple weeks ago.

ive been through this stage before...how i handled it before was a lot worst compared to now. some people turn to drugs/alcohol after breakups, they feel empty and are looking for something to make them whole. luckily i learned that lesson that it doesnt help. just masks the pain/void. so im glad that im doing other things more productive and self improvement. tho been slacking recently.

eventually all of this feelings/experiences will make me a better person overall. just another lesson in life that im learning. i just gotta keep my head up. One day i might even run into another female that will change all that negativity i got going on in my heart.

but despite it all the negativity that came after it, thank you for being part of my life. even if it was only for a chapter. the amount of joy/happiness/love/experiences we shared i wont forget. because of you, and the events that happened leading up to it...i got a better paying job. the pain slowly fades. but the love is forever. i shall take the pain of loss and use it for my advantage. 

lyrics from the pic above:

Nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save 

Women don't work on reason.

This subject hits close to home. Even though I try to ignore it, I read something online that brings back what I strongly feel about it so going to put it on the blog. Browsing the internet I checked out TMZ (yeah i check that site just for entertainment purposes when it is slow) and the article I came across was about Rihanna and how she still have love for Chris Brown...the same guy that brutally beat her face some 3 years ago now. I didnt see the interview or how her voice or body language were. Some are saying she loves him as a friend while most people are saying she wants to get back with him at a later date. But what she said in the interview was:

"We're very, very close friends. We built a trust again and that's it. We love each other and we probably always will."  RiRi says the two are just friends now and they are in no way back together ... though she did admit, "I think he was the love of my life."  Rihanna did not mince words talking to Oprah about Chris Brown ... saying very simply, "I still love him."

What?! Seriously?! I don't even know how to explain it in a logical stand point. This is pure emotions at work, some call it "Battered Woman Syndrome." Just a simple question is... WHY? but the answer is anything but simple. You seek comfort from your friends everyday and inform them of all the bullshit you put up with, but when your friends tell you to move on, you start defending him, by saying your happy with him when he's not acting up. Rihanna basically forgives him for what he did. citing that when it happened, she was more concerned about his well being than hers. Chris brown is a pimp. My definition of a pimp is..someone who abuses them phyically/mentally, cheats on them, takes advantage of the person...yet the person allows it and goes back to the abuser! I dont know why they run back..maybe because thats all they know... too comfortable in that situation to get away...scared of leaving..or that battered woman syndrome where they feel sorry for the guy and wont leave him because who will look out/take care of him? again the question: why stay? is too complicated to answer.

Even if she states that she still has love for him as friend and nothing more...there is no reason for "friendship" with a person who treated you like that. Friends dont hurt each other like that. they dont abuse you, take advantage of you. Thats not a true friend. If it happened once, it can happen again. You know those type of dudes let their anger control them. i've had my fair of anger moments but not once where i hit a female. why because that is just a punk ass move. i hate dudes that beat on a woman, but hate it even more when the female allows it to happen and doesnt distance herself from the situation. not only is it pathetic, but also an issue of self respect. first time it happens....okay you're the victim..but it happens again, you are now a WILLING participant in that lifestyle and shouldnt go crying to your family and friends that it happened again because you didnt learn the first time. but its normal to comfort the person again and pray and hope they really learned their lesson this time. It really is a damn shame that these pretty/awesome females are willing to put themselves in that situation again just because 'they can be themselves' or 'hes the only one that understands me' really..? you have 6 billion people in the world and hes the only one that gets you? total mind fuck, and pimp'd by him.

A buddy of mine was saying how he felt sorry for her. "losing a close friend is 100x worst than losing someone you were just sleeping with"  which is true but tell that to a person that lost their close friend due to death. it's a lesson in life where you have to accept letting someone go. no matter how painful it will be. 

how she explained that she lost her best friend that night. 

"It was a weird, confusing space to be in ... because as angry as I was, as angry and hurt and betrayed, I just felt like he made that mistake because he needed help ... and who's going to help him?"

Rihanna continued, "Nobody's going to say he needs help. Everybody's going to say he's a monster without looking at the source ... and I was more concerned about him." 

"I lost my best friend ... everything I knew switched ... switched in a night and I couldn't control that."

“We’ve been working on our friendship again,” Rihanna, appearing emotional at times, told Oprah. "We're very, very close friends. We built a trust again and that's it. We love each other, and we probably always will. And that's not anything that we're going to try to change. It's not something you can shut off if you've ever been in love." 

As far as whether it’s romantic, Rihanna said it’s not. “He’s in a relationship of his own,” Rihanna said, referring to Brown’s girlfriend, Karrueche Tran. “I’m single. But we have maintained a very close relationship ever since the restraining order was dropped. We just worked on it little by little, and it has not been easy. It is not easy.” She admitted that when she sees him she works hard to keep control of her feelings for him, because she becomes so overwhelmed by emotions in his presence “It’s awkward. It’s awkward because I still love him,” she said. “My stomach drops and I have to maintain this poker face, and not let it get to the outer part of me. I have to maintain that, suppress that, but interpret it, understand it, and know that’s not going to go away. When you don’t understand those feelings, you can make a lot of mistakes.”

a lot of women mistake DRAMA for PASSION and RECKLESSNESS for COURAGE.

She can forgive him if she wishes, but he needs to be kept at a distance and out of her life. Until then.....she will never really move on, or let anyone else into her life, because she will always be hoping in the back of her mind or deep in her heart, that they will be together again.

Getting tired of wasting my time and energy on this subject. it's been on my mind for a few days and been drafting this entry for a couple days. i should let this subject go and move on.... judgments stop us from understanding and can ruin our happiness. but it's also really difficult when someone who used to be very close to you that you love and care about does something that bothers you. 

was going to keep going but its going on a different subject...

Whatever happens, happens.

Sometimes I will just ramble on or focus on a subject, since this is still new I want to cover a lot of what i've been feeling or my past experiences have taught me. Going to pace myself.

• fate/timing can only take you so far..its up to the person to make the move if they strongly feel about it. I wrote that a while back and still believe that to be true still. Can't always expect new opportunities/relationships to just land on your lap, seize it. 

•  The only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions. At the moment I thought that's what wanted, and for the most part it was true. But it gets complicated when the other person doesn't share the same desire as you do. Life is simple, emotions makes it more complicated than it should be. Love brings out raw emotions and makes our lives a bit more interesting than the normal routine but too much can always be a bad thing. Some people just enjoy the drama because the life before was too boring. So they seek it out even though they know it will just cause them more headaches/heartache.

• falling in and out of love like it’s a train wreck and you don’t know which window to jump out of. I know that makes no sense, but neither does love. When you experience the love from another person, embrace it. Even if it was only for a season, the joy you both experience together was true and there to teach you a lesson. Even after the heartbreak, I learned what mistakes I've done that might have caused the relationship to end, what I could have done better, or maybe just realize it just not ment to be for whatever/different reasons. 

Random quotes:

There was a woman, first time I'd found someone who was truly alive. At least, that's what I thought. She was... the part of me I'd lost somewhere along the way, the part that was missing, that I'd been longing for. 

So what kind of woman is she?

Ordinary. The kind of beautiful, dangerous ordinary that you just can't leave alone. 

 Like an angel from the underworld. Or a devil from Paradise. 

You held me high
And I believed when you told that lie
I played soldier, you played queen
struck me down, when you went back to that old routine
You lost that right, to hold that crown
I built you up, but you let me down
So when you fall, I'll take my turn

Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of starts and stops. There are ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable, we have to face them. It's what being human is all about.

Heartbreak. It always suck, but you move on.

So during my process of healing ...(again yes been there before and yes it always suck) i re-stumbled into this video that really put things into perspective. Madea Relationship Advice What I was trying to do what put logic into an emotional situation..and the two just do not mix. No matter how hard I tried to fix an emotional situation with facts, it wasn't fixable. Again sometimes just have to let it go and look on the brighter side that the relationship taught you something and put it to use on the next one. Whether be red flags early in the relationship to look out for that you didn't pay attention at the time or chose to ignore it, or wishing you did more in the relationship.

During those time if i burden you with my problems and you didn't want to hear it or get involved, i do apologize. for those that listened or read what i had to say, even if i sounded repetitive during those times and offered me insight, thank you. Free therapy and healing. 

• Get up and go on with your life. It's all right to sit around and be depressed for a minute. Cry about it. Do whatever you have to do, but don't stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life.
• If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go. Especially if you know you've done everything you can do. If you've sat around and been the best man or the best woman you can be and they still want to go, let them go. Whatever they're running after, in a minute they'll see what they had, but by then it's gonna be too late.
• Some people come into your life for a lifetime. Some come for a season. You've got to know which is which. And you're always gonna mess up when you mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.
• I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows -- they're over here. They're unstable. It blows the other way -- now they're over here. The season changes. They wither and die. They're gone. Most people in the world are like that. They're just there to take from the tree. They ain't there to do nothing but take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't be mad if people are like that. That's who they are. That's what they were put on this earth to be, a leaf. 
• Some people are like a branch on that tree. You've got to be careful about them branches too cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong, but the minute you step out there on them they'll break and leave you high and dry. 
• But if you find two or three people in your life that are like the roots at the bottom of that tree, you are blessed.Because they're the kind of people that ain't going nowhere. They ain't got to know what they're doing for you, but if those roots weren't there that tree couldn't live. You understand? A tree could have a hundred million branches, but only a few roots down at the bottom to make sure it gets everything it needs. I'm telling you, Sonny, when you get you some roots hold on to them, but the rest of 'em, let 'em go.

• it's not always that easy letting go.

• Ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy, but it'll get easier when you learn how to love yourself. When you get to a point in your life when you look at people and you go "Okay, wait a minute. It's you or me." You WILL make a decision. 
•  I've never in my life just thrown somebody away. "Look, don't bother me no more. Don't talk to me." I've never done that. What I do is I tell 'em and say, "Look, this thing you're doing right but here, that's gonna cause a problem. You need to fix that cause if we're gonna be friends, if we're gonna be cool, you gotta fix that. And if you don't, we're gonna have an issue."
• If you see somebody fix it or they're even trying to fix it, that's somebody that cares. Keep those people around. That's a leaf that's trying to grow up and be something else. You understand? But if you tell somebody, what you're doing is hurting me and I need you to stop it and they keep doing it, they don't care. So move on. Let 'em go. No matter how much it hurts, let 'em go. 
• And it'll get easier. I promise you. Every day it'll get easier and easier and easier, but you just gotta make it through. 
• You gotta learn to be by yourself. People have to learn how to be alone. I don't understand all these people. Oh I need somebody. Lord, where's my man? Lord, where's my woman? That is crazy as hell. If you don't know how to be by yourself, what are you gonna do with somebody else? Stop praying about it! Shut up and wait! Go work on YOU. Hell, that's what that time is for, to get yourself together.
• You would be surprised the things that people put up with just to have somebody to say they love them. That's crazy. I don't understand it. I can't live in dysfunction. I'm sorry. I've been through too much, been through too much hell and high water to come there and let you come up in my adult life when I'm supposed to be at peace and give me all kinds of hell. Only two places on this earth you're gonna have peace, your grave and your house. Now if you wake up in your house and you've got no peace something is wrong.
• I'd rather be in a corner by myself with a puppy and a goldfish and be happy than be sitting around with somebody up in my house and I'm wondering what the hell they're there for.

The last part is true, why be with someone that will just causing you stress in your own home.

Reason, Season or Lifetime?

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

Thought this quote is a great one to use for everyday life. For those who read this and been in my life at one point or another, thank you for teaching me, sharing the happiness and sadness, and having fun. Sometimes i do make the mistake of putting lifetime expectations on seasonal people and i have to just let it go when they decide that their want/need were full filled and want to walk away. Don't blame them and maybe I do that to other people but dont realize it.

Time capsule for myself

So pretty much I saw a google chrome video Dear Sophie (I admit I got a little teary eyed watching that one) and another blog from an acquaintance craftyliang.com/ to start my own blog because frankly, in the current online media, facebook is nothing but just showing the good aspects of life. Usually they will just post pictures from family vacations, new born babies, new relationships, or invite to social events. It stopped being a real place to vent and people started to move to twitter. Sometimes you have too much to vent about that it doesn't fit in the 140 characters provided. Also doesn't show old tweets from years ago and can't see how much you've either grown or changed. I remember I had a xanga back in high school haha...too bad I deleted it though and the myspace. Would have been interesting what was going on in my head at the time and see how the shit i worried about back then was nothing compared to now. Even now at 25, my future self will read my blogs and say that's nothing!! Even if no one reads this, I can find comfort that I can read this at a later time because after all, this is my life.